You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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