have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize
