The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
