he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
