Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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