Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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