I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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