i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
