Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
