If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
