im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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