i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize