"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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