I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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