I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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