How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
