you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
