We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
