I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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