This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
