I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Randomize
