she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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