why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
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