Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
