I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
