why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
