I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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