Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
