I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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