thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
