meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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