I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Who died my cat blue again?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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