i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
