I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
