He kissed a someone with a penis
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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