I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
