The maid of honor just puked.
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
