I just cut my nipple shaving
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
