The best revenge is premature balding
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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