Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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