Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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