If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
