My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
