All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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