i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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