Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
