The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So apparently I’m into choking now
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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