There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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