explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
