At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
