why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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