You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
