drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
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It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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