I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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