he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
