I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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