So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
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Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
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Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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