whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
