tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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